Posts tagged ‘Humor’

May 18, 2009

The Twitter Drinking Song

OK so, Sunday night my twitter-mate @Bass_ decided it was all a bit quiet on the twitter front, & that things could be livened up if he conducted a Twitter Drinking Experiment (TDE). This basically involved everyone drinking a bottle of 2 of wine very quickly then tweeting about it straight away. It appears that the experiment  was a success: twitter definitely became more lively. So I did what every good twittererer should & wrote a song about it. It’s (very) loosely based on Monty Python’s Philosopher’s Song, so you might even like to sing along.

All together now:

Dirty dawg @Bass_ though completely wasted can drink you under the table.

@Richard_Gable when he’s able, quaffs vintage reds ’til his he’s not too stable

@ceggs the dregs has completely drained of 2 bottles of wine without restraint

@Janeybelle15 of the bottle is keen and @JustTooBusy: double she is seein’

There’s nothing @purelaura couldn’t show ya ’bout the ways of Chardonnay. Only 10 bottles & she’s rolling on the hay…

Oh, @Boogaloo1 loves to hit the Blue Nun, 10 bottles of that & she’s anyone’s

@Troublebrother @Troublebrother drinks like no other; for @GreekSarah the session’s just begun

@LucyKD knocks it back freely; 12 bottles of Port then it’s time for tea

And @Drolgerg smashed is annoying & crass, he writes silly songs that don’t even rhyme

Those in @Bass_‘s wine taster were particularly blissed: all lovely little tweeters but more lively when they’re pissed!


Disclaimer: all the people mentioned here are in fact in all probability completely sober & lovely individuals & not at all as they may or not be portrayed here. Some also may contain nuts.

If you’d like to be added just tell me your twitter name, your tipple of choice & how you  may (or may not!) behave when under it’s influence & I’ll see what I can do


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April 22, 2009

10 More Ways to Annoy People on Twitter: A Celebrity Special!

1. The sport of celeb-baiting: constantly beg celebs to follow you or reply to you. “Ooh please good sir, please follow me, I’m so nice & friendly, me & my Aunty Doris love your shows / films / pap songs  / bottle top exhibitions!!”

“If you don’t follow me or reply to me all my kids – who all love you- will all get bloaty head disease & their toes will all fall off & it’ll all be your fault YOU MURDERER!!”

“Sorry, don’t know what came over me, we all love you, PLEASE??!!” Works best  if you use the words “bunny” &” boil” in the same tweet. Repeat at least 20x in quick succession per celeb per day until they give in.

2. Attract new followers by promising to moon on twitpic if a beleaguered celeb finally gives in to your begging & follows you. Reneg on your promise & deny all knowledge of it when they actually do.

3. Follow A-list celebs so they can reduce people to numbers in silly follower races in order to boost their already substantial egos.

4. Become an A-list celeb. Amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter guarantees that the rest of the known twitterverse spends most of their day looking at a strange whale.

5. Become an A-list celeb. Open a twitter account then ignore it. After your PR people have advised you that this nerdy twitter thing might actually be getting a bit popular afterall suddenly start tweeting incredible profundities like: “Hello”, “I’m on twitter now”, & “How are you?”. Instantly amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter……

6. Become an A-list celeb. Never reply to muggles. Only tweet with your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor.

7. Become an A-list celeb. Boast about your zillions of followers. Only follow your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor. Field questions about the generosity of recommending people to follow that is #followfriday without even a hint of irony.

8. Become an A-list celeb. Find websites you don’t like, link to them in tweets & then laugh maniacally as thousands of people hit them at once & they crash & burn then have to spend the next week getting back up again. Repeat.

9. Become a celeb. Ignore fervent pleas from well-meaning muggles to retweet their latest campaign on behalf of Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogles. Post twitpics of custard instead.

10. Write an annoying blog about annoying celebrities on twitter then annoy everyone on twitter with it.

Jason Tryfon has written a slightly more serious blog post along similar lines here.

As ever, feel free to add your own suggestions.

April 11, 2009

20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

1. Eat continuously then tweet continuously about what you’re eating. “Eating Walkers Salt & Vinegar Crisps. They’re very nice. Crunchy & tasty. I dropped one but picked it up again”. The more detail the better. Photograph your food from multiple angles &  in different lighting then tweet via twitpic

2. Tweet endlessly about your shoes. Twitpic photo’s are essential. “I like my shoes. Here they are”

3. Always point out to your followers how great you are. It’s the only way they’ll know. Especially good to boast about your humility.

4. Claim to be an expert on a subject many people don’t know a lot about but would like to. Invite questions, then in your answers make it very clear you have no clue about it at all. Then disappear for a while.

5. Complain about your tax return as much as possible.”Doing my tax return. Why do I have to do a tax return? It’s not fair.” Reveal that you pay higher-rate tax, or that you have to pay tax on your other homes / swimming pool / yacht / luxury villa in Bermuda  / collection of vintage cars, & then complain about it.

6. Shout “WOLVERINES!” at least once a day.

7. DM or tweet as many people as you can about a brilliant way you’ve found to get a trillion followers in 3 hours / get a free laptop / make millions of dollars just by visiting your website. Link to a website advertising collectable bottle tops.

8. Make the world’s most unfunny video then continuously post it in DMs or tweets to as many people as possible several times a day, telling them it’s the greatest thing since Citizen Kane.

9. Set up your bio to proclaim yourself as an SEO expert who can show everyone how to make money quickly & easily online. Then just tweet about your dinner, your shoes & your tax return.

10. Use a picture of a sexy young girl in a bikini for your bio picture & background. Call yourself SexySue. Give *hugs* & xxxx’s to all your followers. Then let slip that you are actually a fat sweaty old bloke from Scunthorpe.

11. Get very drunk then dig out your favourite Tangerine Dream album from the 70’s &  be so impressed with it that you tweet every single word as you’re sure that everyone else is dying to hear it too. For extra affect also tweet guitar breaks & drum solos as fast as you can type. “Wafting through madrigal fields dah dah of eldritch minds doof doof dah we weave & dream doo doo our minstrel selves dee dee pip pip ping”

12. Retweet everything you see in your general tweetstream without giving any credit.

13. Continuously badger celebrities to retweet your latest campaign to save the Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogle from being mildly shunned by the local smurf-herders.

14. Follow every online news service or tweet feed for major stories. Wait 3 hours then tweet the stories as if they’ve just happened. Then tweet continuously about them as if they’re the most exciting thing you’ve ever heard in your life.

15. TYPE ALL YOUR TWEETS IN UPPERCASE.

16. Include at least 10 exclamation marks in every tweet to give the impression you’re actually tweeting about something exciting. “I’m eating a whole bag of jellybeans!!!!!!!! Look at my shoes!!!!!”

17. Use very little of what could recognisably be called English in your tweets. “omg I lmao! got this awsm bg jlybns eat yum lol!!! ;-K ; ;P >3”

18. Write an extremely long epic poem about your deep love of Bavarian mountain shrubbery then tweet its verses regularly & continuously over a period of several weeks.

19. Provide a running commentary for your life. “Got up. Ugh. Found underpants. Put them on. Went to the toilet. Had to take underpants off. Then put them back on. Went to kitchen for coffee. Went back to bathroom as forgot to wash hands. Went back to kitchen. Put kettle on”,  etc. Repeat daily

20. Write a blog post about 20 ways to annoy people on twitter then pester everyone on twitter about it until they’ve either read it or stopped following you.

Got any further suggestions? Feel free to comment.

Update: The Bloggess has made a post similar to this. It’s quite good. OK, it’s very funny. ALL RIGHT it’s bloody hilarious. Look, just go read it, OK, & stop bugging me! It’s HERE. Happy now?

March 11, 2009

What Men Really Mean?

2 blokes in a pub. What they say, & what they (possibly) mean:

Hello mate, did you see the match last night? ( I’ve been sitting in this pub by myself all night; I’m so alone)

Yeah – they were rubbish weren’t they.  (I’m lonely too . Will you be my friend?)

The problem with Arsenal is that they just wanna pass it into the net.  (Yes I’ll be your friend!)

I’ll get the beers in then (Do you want a lollipop?)

Make mine a Stella (I’d love a lollipop!)

There you go mate  (Here’s your lollipop!)

Thanks mate  (Yummy!)

Yeah, Arsemal, right, they need to stop playing through the middle all the time, & use the wide men more.  (Just ‘cos I gave you my lollipop doesn’t mean that I‘m not better than you)

They’re far too predicatble: if they hoofed it up to a front man with his back to goal they’d have more variety & unsettle defences more (I like your lollipop but you’re not better than me)

The Liverpool defence was pretty good. Very organised at set pieices.  (I’ll be your friend but I‘m not gay OK?)

Yeah their goalie played a blinder. (I’m not gay either, but I like your T-shirt)

That van Persie though: what a player. Did you see the way he lollipopped 1 guy, nutmegged the next then slotted it in? (To be honest I am a bit gay but I don’t really know how to deal with it)

And what about that Spanish bloke Fabregas? He glides through the defence like Torvill & Dean skating to Bolero (Actually I’m a total screaming bender but I have no idea how to tell anyone)

Tell you what mate why don’t we go to mine & watch the big match over a few more beers  (I fancy the arse off of you ,why not come over to my place & see what happens, big boy!)

Your’re my besht mate you are you are!  (I fucking love you!)

Let’s be clear everyone: This never happens

March 8, 2009

Musactors Union

Inspired by @jupitusphillip on twitter

There’s been a warp in the space-time continuum, resulting a melding together of actors & musicians. Here’s some of what we’ve been left with:

George Michael Douglas: I Can’t Make You Love Mimi Rogers
Sigur Ross Kemp: Vidrar the River Quai
Tony ‘Smokey’ Robinson & The Miracles of Archeology: You’ve Really Got a
Hold on My Shovel
Seasick Steve Buscemi: My Donny Darko
Don Estelle: American Boy Werewolf in London (aka It Ain’t Half Hot on the
Moors)
Jean-Claude Vangelis: Chariots of Cyborg
Bob Dylan Moran: Black on Black Books
Radio TonyHead: Straight to Videotape (sorry)
Thin Lizzy Taylor: The Boyo’s Back in Town
The Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf
Pop Will Wheaton Itself: Everything’s Cool (in the Vacuum of Space)
Elton John Wayne: Goodbye Yellow Ribbon Road
John Lee Marvin Hooker: Whiskey & the Dirty Dozen Wimmin (aka Boom Boom)

From EmmaRhoyds

Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Trisha Goddard
Neil Diamonds are Forever
Last Tango in Paris Hilton

Musactors suggested by kenarmstrong1

The Sex Piss Tilda Swintons – Anarchy in Narnia
The George Lazen Bee Gees – On Her Majesty’s Saturday Night Fever
Deep Perp Phill Jupitus – Smoking Room on the Water
Bonzo Dog the Bounty Hunter Doo-Dah Band – I’m the Urban Spaceman (2001
Odyssey remix)
Sean Conner-Ry Cooder – From Paris, Russia With Love
Credence Clearwater ReviVal Kilmer – Bad MIG Rising
R.E.M. Night Shyamalan – Signy Happy People

Soylent Al Green
Muddy Julie Walters – Educating My Mojo
Dick Van Halen – The Grapes of David Lee Roth
The Pegg Shop Boys – Go West, Fat Boy, Go West
Kathleen Turner Overdrive – You Ain’t Seen Naked in New York Yet
And You Will Know Us by the Trail of ourTed Danson – Save Private Ryan
& the Rest Will Follow
Fiennes Young Cannibals – The Red Dragon Drives Me Crazy
Nicholas Parsons Project – I Wouldn’t Want to be Like You in Just a Minute

Thanks to twitterers RandHobart, LucasBlack, snedwan, vatimatt, MrLEdge, NickPeters, davidpwatts, Call123 for the musactors.

Feel free to add your own here.