Posts tagged ‘Celebrities’

April 22, 2009

10 More Ways to Annoy People on Twitter: A Celebrity Special!

1. The sport of celeb-baiting: constantly beg celebs to follow you or reply to you. “Ooh please good sir, please follow me, I’m so nice & friendly, me & my Aunty Doris love your shows / films / pap songs  / bottle top exhibitions!!”

“If you don’t follow me or reply to me all my kids – who all love you- will all get bloaty head disease & their toes will all fall off & it’ll all be your fault YOU MURDERER!!”

“Sorry, don’t know what came over me, we all love you, PLEASE??!!” Works best  if you use the words “bunny” &” boil” in the same tweet. Repeat at least 20x in quick succession per celeb per day until they give in.

2. Attract new followers by promising to moon on twitpic if a beleaguered celeb finally gives in to your begging & follows you. Reneg on your promise & deny all knowledge of it when they actually do.

3. Follow A-list celebs so they can reduce people to numbers in silly follower races in order to boost their already substantial egos.

4. Become an A-list celeb. Amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter guarantees that the rest of the known twitterverse spends most of their day looking at a strange whale.

5. Become an A-list celeb. Open a twitter account then ignore it. After your PR people have advised you that this nerdy twitter thing might actually be getting a bit popular afterall suddenly start tweeting incredible profundities like: “Hello”, “I’m on twitter now”, & “How are you?”. Instantly amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter……

6. Become an A-list celeb. Never reply to muggles. Only tweet with your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor.

7. Become an A-list celeb. Boast about your zillions of followers. Only follow your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor. Field questions about the generosity of recommending people to follow that is #followfriday without even a hint of irony.

8. Become an A-list celeb. Find websites you don’t like, link to them in tweets & then laugh maniacally as thousands of people hit them at once & they crash & burn then have to spend the next week getting back up again. Repeat.

9. Become a celeb. Ignore fervent pleas from well-meaning muggles to retweet their latest campaign on behalf of Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogles. Post twitpics of custard instead.

10. Write an annoying blog about annoying celebrities on twitter then annoy everyone on twitter with it.

Jason Tryfon has written a slightly more serious blog post along similar lines here.

As ever, feel free to add your own suggestions.

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March 3, 2009

Strictly Come Dancing? Mamma Mia!

This is something I wrote in a hurry on a BBC Strictly Come Dancing message board, back during the John Sargeant controversy. With the benefit of time I’ve tarted it up a bit; it may even now make sense

The Dancer

“I have a dream” she said, “to be a dancing queen!”

“But Chiqitita” (for that was her nick-name) “does your mother know?” cautioned her brother Fernando

“No – but to follow my dream I must be as brave as a super trouper!”

“You mustn’t do this! You’re always rushing around: another town, another train! And when did you learn to dance?”

“When I kissed the teacher!”

Shocked, Fernando ran off to tell their mother

Rushing in she cried ”Honey, honey – he is your brother! You should listen to him!”

“This family never does anything; at least one of us is trying!”

This struck a chord. “You really want to do this?” mother said, relenting

“I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!”

So, an SOS to the BBC then the ring, ring of the ‘phone & she took the train to Waterloo & waited for her day.

Her day came: she left & she danced for the four.

“Mamma mia – you stink!” said one

“You can’t dance, but you can lay all your love on me!” said another with an unpleasant glint in his eye, at which she was embarrassed.

“Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight!” said another, & nobody was sure why

“You’d be better off knowing me; knowing you – you were rubbish” said the last.

“Aah!” she cried in despair. “Please take a chance on me!”

“Sorry love, the winner takes it all – that’s the name of the game” they told her, cruelly.

So she left, gracious in defeat, turning as she did so to say “Thank you for the music”, & vowing in her heart to dance while the music still goes on.

For when all is said & done, it wasn’t about her dancing; it was all about money, money, money!

In case you haven’t worked it out the story is based around the titles of ABBA songs. There are 25 of them – did you see them all?