Posts tagged ‘Builders From Hell’

November 22, 2007

In-Laws, Laws, Out-Laws, Micks, Rock Radio, Beowulf, Shopping & George Michael

I’m sure you’ll be delighted to know that I’ve phoned my mother-in-law to say thanks & she seemed quite happy about it, as is hopefully my nice wife as well. I didn’t do it last night, as I became distracted by my nice wife providing dinner, by our watching Ugly Betty in bed (I know there’s a joke there but it’s just too obvious), & then my watching England being especially crap, even by their standards, at football. I will not speak of this again. I also support the All-Blacks. Did I mention that I’m not happy? Anyway, I ‘phoned this morning so at least my in-laws are.

Can you believe I’m now also being sued for sexual harassment by some spotty kid in a game shop?! I don’t understand this world any more.

By the way, my inspiration so far for this already-classic blog is my listening to what is now my all-time favourite radio station of all-time (mate) since BBC6 became Radio Silly Kids +5: “Planet Rock” (prounounced “rawk”), so you now know who to blame. Who’d’ve thought Rick Wakeman would be so funny? Least of all him, I expect. Don’t remember many hilarious gags in his million-hour long “The Legends Of King Arthur & the Knights Of The Round Table, Their Mistresses, Their Horses & What they Ate For Breakfast, Part 3” (or whatever it was called). All that stuff is just sanitised & white-washed Beowulf with the names changed which missionaries at the time used to convert British ‘pagans’ to Christianity anyway. Hopefully this will be made explicit in the forthcoming film, although it looks like it might be all mouth & no trousers. I recommend reading Seamus Heaney’s excellent translation to get the ‘real’ story.

Wow – rock radio to Anglo-Saxon mythological poetry in 1 paragraph – the pills are working nurse!

What an exciting life I lead! I did the washing-up this morning (our new dishwasher is still in it’s box due to someone called ‘Mick’ walking off the kitchen refit job halfway thru). After that I went into town to buy a heater (reason: kitchen is freezing cold due to radiator not working & cold air coming in through gaps in wall due to someone called ‘Mick’, etc…), a new cafetiere (reason: my new coffee machine broke, I can’t find my old cafetiere as it’s still in a box somewhere due to someone called ‘Mick’ (I think you know the rest), & the cheap cafetiere I bought last week seems to be allergic to hot water), & some Regucol (reason: you don’t want to know, but I blame ‘Mick’).

I’m now sitting at my desk listening to George Michael & Gorillaz (not at the same time) & trying to fax various people about my apparently growing list of court cases. Another ‘Mick’ has also just informed me that he is unable to finish my kitchen – must be a ‘Mick’ union somewhere that has blacklisted me for not being nice to (trans.: “not letting myself be bullied by”) ‘Micks’. I used to like ‘Micks’; my record with ‘Micks’ has up until now been excellent! I used to work with a ‘Mick’ & he was great – he played bass in a great local band (called “Alaska” – you can’t get cooler than that), & banged on drums at festivals – he was a cool guy! What’s happened to the ‘Micks’ of this world? Maybe he wasn’t in the union. He also lives in Brighton rather than Birmingham, & that probably helps. Bit of a ‘cool’ divide there, no offence intended (please don’t sue!).

“George Michael & Gorillaz” – that is not only: 1) a collaboration I’d love to see, 2) a possibly superb mash, 3) an excellent name for a rock band, but also 4) probably illegal in several US States – & not just “Outside”. And before any lawyers get uppity (as if I don’t have enough of that already) I love the guy – we had his (& Mary J Blige’s) version of “As” played at our wedding, & he has written & performed some of the most heartfelt love songs ever; his album “Older” is one of the saddest most beautiful albums I ever expect to hear. And I’m straight – go figure! And (on the subject of being male & hetero) the “Too Funky” video – wow! For that alone I will be forever grateful.

That’s enough rubbish for now I think – where’s my dinner?

November 21, 2007



I’m Drolgerg. I’ve just had a birthday (25 again) & I’m not happy. I got a birthday present from someone called ‘Mick’ (not his real name) – legal papers. Thanks Micky! He’s suing me for a kitchen refit he didn’t want to finish that I funnily enough haven’t finished paying him for. “Finish the job & I’ll finish paying you, no pay me & I’ll finish the job, no…” you get the picture. He’s a B*stard. In case you can read, Mick, we’re countersuing for squillions – yeah! My new boiler doesn’t work either. The bloke who put that in is also a B*stard. My legal team is being briefed (I met this bloke called Dave down the pub & I need to return his underpants – har har). Where are all these London Poles (isn’t that a basketball team – if not it should be) I keep hearing about – some of them should move here to the Midlands – I’ve got plenty of work for them!

On the other hand (back to my birthday) my in-laws gave me £50, which was nice (my wife just read this my first ever blog – her reaction: “have you ‘phoned to say “thank you” yet?”; she also corrected my spelling), my sister gave me a nice book (Peter Jackson: From Gore to Mordor) & my nice wife gave me some nice chocolate. I want a Wii – & not because my bladder isn’t what it used to be (not very good) & I drink a lot, although that’s true. The deal : my nice wife pays for it as a combined Xmas / birthday prezzie but I have to get it; I can’t however find 1 for love nor money. (Actually that’s not true: I found some for more than we/she are/is prepared to pay, & my offers of sexual favours were scorned – you would think those spotty kids in the game shops would be less choosy).

Anyway, I feel the need for a ‘phone-call to my Mother-in-Law coming on, so I’d better go.

originally posted 21 November 2007