Daily Twitterscopes (Scorpio): October 2009

Wednesday, October 7th

Take whatever time you need to sort out any problem relationships today: you don’t want to hurt anyone, & it never feels virtuous, but sometimes they just come to an end. There is currently no need to explain yourself or to understand; today is the day for when you couldn’t be more obvious. If you procrastinate you may find that you no longer understand what someone in your position is to do. Today you do; today is your day.

Tuesday, October 6th

Only you know if everything is in place today, whether everything seems alright. There’s a chill in the air & the sky’s turning black, & you may feel that there’s something missing; in the whispering rain & the trembling leaves it’s easy to feel this way. If you keep your head, stay centred & focus on your strengths you will be able to compensate for this feeling of loss, & rise above it.

Monday, October 5th

Although you may be unable to stay out all night & feel alright, it sometimes helps to remember that you’re not just here for business: you’re also here for fun. It doesn’t help if you know you don’t have any money; yet there’s often some little café where they play guitars all night & all night day. Your rosy day will come; someday you’ll look back on this & it will all seem funny.

Sunday, October 4th

You may be so energetic today that you are ready to shake your knees, bang the drum & cut the rug right where you are. Calming down is tricky- and that’s the basic dilemna of this Starr in your 3rd House of Laughter opposite the Sun in your 10th House of Plans. When the Autumn leaves come down, soon the snow flakes fall. So waste no moré time fooling around: act today on what you have discovered. You may go wrong but it will be alright as long as you are prepared to wait. If you deal the pack & check your hand you should get everything you expect.

Saturday, October 3rd

Today you may need to just slow down. In the evening, in the dark, stop: ‘til there’s not a sound, not one sigh, just the beat of your poor heart. It may be as if your mind begs you to please keep still, knowing it will be ending. Now you may find what the rest have left behind; just let them dance, you could find what you need in the dark.

Friday, October 2nd

You want to feel things are fine: ‘til the time you find your plans have died. You may be a diamond in the rough; wanting that special someone who stays & won’t play games behind you is perfectly normal. You don’t know that you will but until you can find yourself you have to be what you are: right or wrong, weak or strong.

Thursday, October 1st

You may have moved up while just trying to make a living; we’re not all movie stars or millionaires. Now, however, do you know where you came from or where you plan to go? Choosing to move on again is one way. Ultimately, however, time alone & thinking about your life are healthy ways to fix things. Like allvintage wine, sometimes it’s the best move just to stay put for a bit.

Daily Twitterscopes (Scorpio): September 2009

Wednesday, September 30th

You are quite private about your past, especially juvenile, success & are often overly careful about your appearance: for instance taking a long time making sure your hair’s alright before you got out at night. It’s not that you are afraid that you’ll look a mess, but – when the mood takes you – you love dancing & you love bands when they’re playing hard. Don’t be bowed; don’t let anyone put you down or say you’re wrong, you still look divine.

Tuesday, September 29th

You’ve been in stress mode, feeling unknown and all alone. Part of the problem is that you take second best; you’ve got things on your chest. Today, maybe you need to confess, to reach out & touch faith. Is there a special someone, maybe by the telephone, someone who cares? Looking forward you may find that they will deliver the forgiveness you need.

Monday, September 28th

If one could read your mind what a strange tale your thoughts could tell:  fortunately you are not required to act this way. So, for now, let’s be real, & light of foot: you never thought you could feel this way, so just try to understand the feelings that others lack.

Sunday, September 27th

You seem to be able to keep this world from dragging you down today. Somehow you can know what’s right, in an often petty world that keeps on pushing you around. Don’t worry that there seems to be no easy way out; sometimes you just have to stand your ground. You’re strong: you won’t back down

Agony With Aunty Drolgerg

By popular request (Dave, down the pub last night) & utilising my immense experience (Dave, down the pub last night), skill (it’s amazing what you pick up from Leslie’s Turkey Bowling), & qualifications (Degree of Stupidity, University of Ougadougou, Offshore College) – and in the spirit of Blatant Plagiarism (thanks, The Bloggess & Um…What??) – I have decided to start up (drum roll, please):

My Very Own Agony Column!

And since no-one has really asked my advice about anything ever yet (apart from Dave, down the pub last night – & he just had this sort of skin rash thingy that you REALLY don’t want to know about), I don’t have too many to start with; in fact I may need to resort to that trusty friend of writers everywhere, Mr Making Shit Up.

Anyway, as they say, from little acorns (or in Dave’s case, pustules) mighty things grow,so in what I hope will be the first of many thousands of posts, can I take the first question please:

Dear Aunty Drolgerg

May I say how lovely you’re looking today (thank you dear – Aunty Drolgerg); your eyes are sparkling like precious diamonds (ooh how lovely dear, I’m flattered – Aunty Drolgerg); your rosey cheeks are like sweet little yummy apples (ooh, you’re getting me all hot & bothered now sweetie – Aunty Drolgerg); your lips are ripe & ready for a big smoochy wet kiss (Oh my!- Aunty Drolgerg) with tongues (OOH! … I’ve just come – Aunty Drolgerg); your… (yes all right, get on with it, I’m bored now – Aunty Drolgerg)…

Oh, right then:

I’m a rich bloke who gets his jollies from buying good old family firms, splitting them up, selling them off & making shedloads on the profits. I hired a hooker for the night, but I think I’ve fallen in love with her: I’m in danger of becoming a nice guy. This can’t happen, I could lose everything: how do you think I got rich in the first place? What should I do?

Jarvis Kucher

Dear Jarvis dear,

Whatever you do DON”T pranny about climbing up some bloody tenement fire escape with a poncy bunch of flowers trying to woo her. You’ll just look like prat. She likes you for your money, obviously, so just give her some more. Anyway, if it wasn’t for George from Seinfeld she wouldn’t have left you in the first place. So kill him. Simple!

Next please:

Oi, Shitface! (Now that’s not very nice, is it dear? – Aunty Drolgerg)

Your last question was just a rehash of the plot of my film ‘Pretty Woman’, & I don’t like the advice you gave – my ending was perfect: it made me cry &, more importantly, got me laid. Get some real questions & stop nicking my stuff, you bastard!

A P Doff  Wrighter*

Dear AP

Now you haven’t read the rest of this post, have you dear? I hate it when that happens. Please see earlier under ‘Blatant Plagiarism’.

Aunty Drolgerg

A P Doff Wrighter:

A pox on you, you stole your story from me in the first place, you cad!

G B Shaw  (nah nah nah nah nah, AP – Aunty Drolgerg)

απητέ,

Μπορείτε τόσο έκλεψε την ιστορία από μένα, οπότε σκάσε (trans.: “You all stole the story from me anyway, so shut up the lot of you”)

γAn αρχαία ελληνική (“An Ancient Greek”)*

This is getting very confusing, next question please:

Dear Aunty Drolgerg

I got bitten on the arm by this weird monkey at the zoo, & I got this nasty throbbing hurty rash, then I fell asleep for a bit then when I came to my skin started peeling off & bits are falling off me. I also have a headache.

Dave

Dave: First of all, I asked you not to come on here, didn’t I? Second, that’s the plot of Peter Jackson’s ‘Braindead’, & that means you’re a zombie. Get a lawnmower or a large food mixer. Use on self: problem solved.

Aunty Drolgerg

I thought that went well! That’s all for now, my lovelies: if I do this again it may even be slightly more original. But I’m making no promises. Tata for now!

* I couldn’t be bothered looking up his name

10 More Ways to Annoy People on Twitter: A Celebrity Special!

1. The sport of celeb-baiting: constantly beg celebs to follow you or reply to you. “Ooh please good sir, please follow me, I’m so nice & friendly, me & my Aunty Doris love your shows / films / pap songs  / bottle top exhibitions!!”

“If you don’t follow me or reply to me all my kids – who all love you- will all get bloaty head disease & their toes will all fall off & it’ll all be your fault YOU MURDERER!!”

“Sorry, don’t know what came over me, we all love you, PLEASE??!!” Works best  if you use the words “bunny” &” boil” in the same tweet. Repeat at least 20x in quick succession per celeb per day until they give in.

2. Attract new followers by promising to moon on twitpic if a beleaguered celeb finally gives in to your begging & follows you. Reneg on your promise & deny all knowledge of it when they actually do.

3. Follow A-list celebs so they can reduce people to numbers in silly follower races in order to boost their already substantial egos.

4. Become an A-list celeb. Amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter guarantees that the rest of the known twitterverse spends most of their day looking at a strange whale.

5. Become an A-list celeb. Open a twitter account then ignore it. After your PR people have advised you that this nerdy twitter thing might actually be getting a bit popular afterall suddenly start tweeting incredible profundities like: “Hello”, “I’m on twitter now”, & “How are you?”. Instantly amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter……

6. Become an A-list celeb. Never reply to muggles. Only tweet with your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor.

7. Become an A-list celeb. Boast about your zillions of followers. Only follow your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor. Field questions about the generosity of recommending people to follow that is #followfriday without even a hint of irony.

8. Become an A-list celeb. Find websites you don’t like, link to them in tweets & then laugh maniacally as thousands of people hit them at once & they crash & burn then have to spend the next week getting back up again. Repeat.

9. Become a celeb. Ignore fervent pleas from well-meaning muggles to retweet their latest campaign on behalf of Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogles. Post twitpics of custard instead.

10. Write an annoying blog about annoying celebrities on twitter then annoy everyone on twitter with it.

Jason Tryfon has written a slightly more serious blog post along similar lines here.

As ever, feel free to add your own suggestions.

20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

1. Eat continuously then tweet continuously about what you’re eating. “Eating Walkers Salt & Vinegar Crisps. They’re very nice. Crunchy & tasty. I dropped one but picked it up again”. The more detail the better. Photograph your food from multiple angles &  in different lighting then tweet via twitpic

2. Tweet endlessly about your shoes. Twitpic photo’s are essential. “I like my shoes. Here they are”

3. Always point out to your followers how great you are. It’s the only way they’ll know. Especially good to boast about your humility.

4. Claim to be an expert on a subject many people don’t know a lot about but would like to. Invite questions, then in your answers make it very clear you have no clue about it at all. Then disappear for a while.

5. Complain about your tax return as much as possible.”Doing my tax return. Why do I have to do a tax return? It’s not fair.” Reveal that you pay higher-rate tax, or that you have to pay tax on your other homes / swimming pool / yacht / luxury villa in Bermuda  / collection of vintage cars, & then complain about it.

6. Shout “WOLVERINES!” at least once a day.

7. DM or tweet as many people as you can about a brilliant way you’ve found to get a trillion followers in 3 hours / get a free laptop / make millions of dollars just by visiting your website. Link to a website advertising collectable bottle tops.

8. Make the world’s most unfunny video then continuously post it in DMs or tweets to as many people as possible several times a day, telling them it’s the greatest thing since Citizen Kane.

9. Set up your bio to proclaim yourself as an SEO expert who can show everyone how to make money quickly & easily online. Then just tweet about your dinner, your shoes & your tax return.

10. Use a picture of a sexy young girl in a bikini for your bio picture & background. Call yourself SexySue. Give *hugs* & xxxx’s to all your followers. Then let slip that you are actually a fat sweaty old bloke from Scunthorpe.

11. Get very drunk then dig out your favourite Tangerine Dream album from the 70’s &  be so impressed with it that you tweet every single word as you’re sure that everyone else is dying to hear it too. For extra affect also tweet guitar breaks & drum solos as fast as you can type. “Wafting through madrigal fields dah dah of eldritch minds doof doof dah we weave & dream doo doo our minstrel selves dee dee pip pip ping”

12. Retweet everything you see in your general tweetstream without giving any credit.

13. Continuously badger celebrities to retweet your latest campaign to save the Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogle from being mildly shunned by the local smurf-herders.

14. Follow every online news service or tweet feed for major stories. Wait 3 hours then tweet the stories as if they’ve just happened. Then tweet continuously about them as if they’re the most exciting thing you’ve ever heard in your life.

15. TYPE ALL YOUR TWEETS IN UPPERCASE.

16. Include at least 10 exclamation marks in every tweet to give the impression you’re actually tweeting about something exciting. “I’m eating a whole bag of jellybeans!!!!!!!! Look at my shoes!!!!!”

17. Use very little of what could recognisably be called English in your tweets. “omg I lmao! got this awsm bg jlybns eat yum lol!!! ;-K ; ;P >3”

18. Write an extremely long epic poem about your deep love of Bavarian mountain shrubbery then tweet its verses regularly & continuously over a period of several weeks.

19. Provide a running commentary for your life. “Got up. Ugh. Found underpants. Put them on. Went to the toilet. Had to take underpants off. Then put them back on. Went to kitchen for coffee. Went back to bathroom as forgot to wash hands. Went back to kitchen. Put kettle on”,  etc. Repeat daily

20. Write a blog post about 20 ways to annoy people on twitter then pester everyone on twitter about it until they’ve either read it or stopped following you.

Got any further suggestions? Feel free to comment.

Update: The Bloggess has made a post similar to this. It’s quite good. OK, it’s very funny. ALL RIGHT it’s bloody hilarious. Look, just go read it, OK, & stop bugging me! It’s HERE. Happy now?