20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter

1. Eat continuously then tweet continuously about what you’re eating. “Eating Walkers Salt & Vinegar Crisps. They’re very nice. Crunchy & tasty. I dropped one but picked it up again”. The more detail the better. Photograph your food from multiple angles &  in different lighting then tweet via twitpic

2. Tweet endlessly about your shoes. Twitpic photo’s are essential. “I like my shoes. Here they are”

3. Always point out to your followers how great you are. It’s the only way they’ll know. Especially good to boast about your humility.

4. Claim to be an expert on a subject many people don’t know a lot about but would like to. Invite questions, then in your answers make it very clear you have no clue about it at all. Then disappear for a while.

5. Complain about your tax return as much as possible.”Doing my tax return. Why do I have to do a tax return? It’s not fair.” Reveal that you pay higher-rate tax, or that you have to pay tax on your other homes / swimming pool / yacht / luxury villa in Bermuda  / collection of vintage cars, & then complain about it.

6. Shout “WOLVERINES!” at least once a day.

7. DM or tweet as many people as you can about a brilliant way you’ve found to get a trillion followers in 3 hours / get a free laptop / make millions of dollars just by visiting your website. Link to a website advertising collectable bottle tops.

8. Make the world’s most unfunny video then continuously post it in DMs or tweets to as many people as possible several times a day, telling them it’s the greatest thing since Citizen Kane.

9. Set up your bio to proclaim yourself as an SEO expert who can show everyone how to make money quickly & easily online. Then just tweet about your dinner, your shoes & your tax return.

10. Use a picture of a sexy young girl in a bikini for your bio picture & background. Call yourself SexySue. Give *hugs* & xxxx’s to all your followers. Then let slip that you are actually a fat sweaty old bloke from Scunthorpe.

11. Get very drunk then dig out your favourite Tangerine Dream album from the 70′s &  be so impressed with it that you tweet every single word as you’re sure that everyone else is dying to hear it too. For extra affect also tweet guitar breaks & drum solos as fast as you can type. “Wafting through madrigal fields dah dah of eldritch minds doof doof dah we weave & dream doo doo our minstrel selves dee dee pip pip ping”

12. Retweet everything you see in your general tweetstream without giving any credit.

13. Continuously badger celebrities to retweet your latest campaign to save the Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogle from being mildly shunned by the local smurf-herders.

14. Follow every online news service or tweet feed for major stories. Wait 3 hours then tweet the stories as if they’ve just happened. Then tweet continuously about them as if they’re the most exciting thing you’ve ever heard in your life.

15. TYPE ALL YOUR TWEETS IN UPPERCASE.

16. Include at least 10 exclamation marks in every tweet to give the impression you’re actually tweeting about something exciting. “I’m eating a whole bag of jellybeans!!!!!!!! Look at my shoes!!!!!”

17. Use very little of what could recognisably be called English in your tweets. “omg I lmao! got this awsm bg jlybns eat yum lol!!! ;-K ; ;P >3″

18. Write an extremely long epic poem about your deep love of Bavarian mountain shrubbery then tweet its verses regularly & continuously over a period of several weeks.

19. Provide a running commentary for your life. “Got up. Ugh. Found underpants. Put them on. Went to the toilet. Had to take underpants off. Then put them back on. Went to kitchen for coffee. Went back to bathroom as forgot to wash hands. Went back to kitchen. Put kettle on”,  etc. Repeat daily

20. Write a blog post about 20 ways to annoy people on twitter then pester everyone on twitter about it until they’ve either read it or stopped following you.

Got any further suggestions? Feel free to comment.

Update: The Bloggess has made a post similar to this. It’s quite good. OK, it’s very funny. ALL RIGHT it’s bloody hilarious. Look, just go read it, OK, & stop bugging me! It’s HERE. Happy now?

45 Responses to “20 Ways to Annoy People on Twitter”

  1. This is interesting post….It’s quiet cute to see something different…Good work

  2. So insightful!!!!! So true!!!!!!!!!! Glad I don’t fall into ANY of these categories!!!!! Lmao.

  3. Yep. That’ll do it. Did you mention repeatedly counting followers?

    • Yes I should have included that shouldn’t I? I guess in the light of recent experience it seemed too obvious!

      I’ve learnt my lesson; thank you no.434

  4. Ha, most amusing. I dig it.

    P.S. Fuck off, my shoes are amazing.

    • Thanks! I’m prepared to admit I might be wrong about the shoes. Have you got a picture?

      It’s worth pointing out that a lot of these are things I’ve done myself. I was tweeting about red converses only a few days ago!

  5. and… Go on and on and on about how many followers you’ve got, while not bothering to follow me back. Cheers!

    On the other hand… fairly sure I’ve done #11 at least once. Don’t remind me if I have… haha.

    • Yes all right, I’ve stopped doing that now. I’ve already been told off at least once.It was all a misunderstanding anyway. There was shrinkage!

  6. Who has to take their underpants off totally to go the loo? Unless they wear them on the outside of their pants? Are you underpants man?
    Just wondering.
    :)

    • Before my first coffee all bets are off. And underpants apparently. To be honest I don’t remember. Also why do you assume it was me? It was, but still…

      Underpants Man? I think I like that. Going away now to work on my theme tune. All suggestions welcome of course.

      • Well you wrote about it in detail, so…. :)

        Underpants man, underpants man
        Gonna wear them over my pants
        and twitter about it man.

        heh

        /resigns from non-existent lyric writing job.

        • Claire: Actually I like it! I may use it if that’s OK. Sounds a bit like the Batman song tho so we may have to fight Adam West for it. The job’s yours if you want it.

  7. Twitter is great for many things, but connecting on a personal level isn’t one. Limiting one to 140 characters doesn’t exactly allow someone to express themselves in detail. Twitter blah blah blah Twitter blah blah Twitter blah blah blah Twitter Twitter blah Twitter blah spam Twitter Twitter Twitter spam Twitter blah.

    • Thanks for the feedback .While I agree that one can’t express a concept in any great complexity in 140 characters, I do feel that the restriction does force a clarity & conciseness which doesn’t exist in other social media, especially for naturally long-winded people like me who are very fond of long sentences. It also in my opinion has developed into an almost unqiue art-form. For instance an imagined tweet by Mary Magdalene: “Went to tomb. Stone rolled away. WTF?!” Funny, concise, to the point & uniquely twitter.

      None of any other social media – I would argue -allow any more personal interaction than twitter. I personally have made some stonkingly good friends in just a short time on twitter, although there’s no substitute for socialising in person, which I hope to do with at least some of them.

      On the other hand maybe someone who thinks it’s cool to get very drunk listening to & tweeting about Tangerine Dream isn’t the best to advise on socialising.

  8. Love this, but had to do some digging to find the url. The sn.im/frk6s one kept giving an error that “The document contains no data.”.

    Obviously it does, so I’m retweeting with a new url. Just so all my followers know why I’m shouting WOLVERINES… (Can’t wait for the movie btw)

    PS. #21. Continuously direct people to shortened url services that don’t work, so they have to wade back through 5 levels of conversation and an overflowing bath to find a link they can follow… *grin*

    • Thanks – sorry about the link trouble. I just link from Tweetdeck & bugger off really; seems to be a bit of retweeting going on!

      WOLVERINES! the movie? Hmmm: I like the way you’re thinking

  9. Funny! Well done.
    I especially like #13 but they are all good.

    • Thanks: I’ve seen it done! Don’t do that myself as I’m scared of celebrities. Actually I lie: I tried it once & they ignored me so I’ve been sulky ever since.

  10. I’m sort of looking orward to the extremely long epic poem about your deep love of Bavarian mountain shrubbery …

    • Well I’ve been writing it since the mid ’90′s so it should be ready within a couple of years. You will definitely be the first to know.

  11. This is great. I think we all know folk who do all of these.

    I follow one fella who does all the above every day. He’s a poet as well, and his poems are extraordinarily crap. I remember one day he spent ranting that despite having loads of followers, no one was clicking through to his poetry site. He was very aggressive about this and kept telling us all that this was it, he was going to quit Twitter by contacting the Twitter people and telling them to eliminate him and all records. He was like a man about to jump off the edge of a tall building. He meant business alright.

    Anyway, he didn’t. Next day he was back talking shite again. I look forward to hearing his tweets like no other.

    Sometimes its good to have followers who are total eejits and we need to remember this people! Anyone who would like to follow the aforementioned fellow, let me know.
    Love Al

    • Thanks Al. I have to admit I have been guilty of 1 of 2 of these: they do say “write about what you know”. Hopefully I’m self-aware enough to realise when I’m being an eejit.

      Unlike your mate, who I SO want to follow!

  12. the eating thing really get’s my goat, why do I give a monkeys if someone’s “Just eaten a lovely banana nom nom nom”

    If it was something interesting like glass, a piece of lego or an owl then it is worth Tweeting.
    p.s I’m now following you

    • Backatcha! Bananas are very nice tho, quite partial to them myself…
      Have to watch myself after this now: over Easter I found myself tweeting “Eating chocolate num num num” – sorry. I immediately apologised & put a pound into my bad tweets jar, all proceeds from which go to the Save the Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogle fund.

      If you see anyone eating anything that interesting please let me know & I will follow immediately! When they get out of A&E of course.

  13. Someone in my Twitterfeed has “just eaten some wheat free rice crackers”.

    That was it.

    Is this what we have been reduced to?

    • It’s hard to think of anything less worth eating, or tweeting. I don’t even know what that is, sounds a bit like lard-free lard.

  14. Yay! I don’t do any. I was a little worried being new at twitter and all. Maybe a little of the last one.

  15. Hey!!!!! Have you seen my new shoes!!!!!

  16. No!!!! I don’t have a pick of my shoes, they were really expensive though but now I have spilled rice crackers on them, the ones I was telling you about in my tweets.

    I shldn’t hv bght the shoes as my tax return is late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    BTW, Have I told you how great I am? I’ll write you a really long poem about it if you like. :)

    Oh, and here’s a link to my website telling you all about how to make millions from twitter, facebook and your blog:

    http://www.WOLVERINES.com

    I WOULD POST MY BIKINI PICS HERE BUT I HAVEN’T GOT ANY (bikinis that is)

    ROFL.

  17. Am I getting the hang of this yet :)

    • Yes – you are! I count 9 1/2 so far: impressive. (I gave you 1/2 for the bikini pics – you tried). You do realise I’m not advocating any of these terrible practices, right? Don’t want to anger the gods of twiitter. If you do it a post-modern way I guess it’s OK

  18. Oh man I’m so sad that I missed the day this went live. This had me in stitches and also made my room mate look at me like I was a freakin’ weirdo. Thank you. This was brill.

  19. hehehe, I am off to do no 13 RIGHT AWAY!! Then I must dig out my tax returns :D Jen

  20. This is fabbo! So true. I’m also not a fan of (((((((hugs)))))). Sorry, just not.

  21. I don’t tweet so can’t offer any suggestions but enjoyed your post. Charmaine (visiting from The King and Eye)

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