1. Eat continuously then tweet continuously about what you’re eating. “Eating Walkers Salt & Vinegar Crisps. They’re very nice. Crunchy & tasty. I dropped one but picked it up again”. The more detail the better. Photograph your food from multiple angles & in different lighting then tweet via twitpic
2. Tweet endlessly about your shoes. Twitpic photo’s are essential. “I like my shoes. Here they are”
3. Always point out to your followers how great you are. It’s the only way they’ll know. Especially good to boast about your humility.
4. Claim to be an expert on a subject many people don’t know a lot about but would like to. Invite questions, then in your answers make it very clear you have no clue about it at all. Then disappear for a while.
5. Complain about your tax return as much as possible.”Doing my tax return. Why do I have to do a tax return? It’s not fair.” Reveal that you pay higher-rate tax, or that you have to pay tax on your other homes / swimming pool / yacht / luxury villa in Bermuda / collection of vintage cars, & then complain about it.
6. Shout “WOLVERINES!” at least once a day.
7. DM or tweet as many people as you can about a brilliant way you’ve found to get a trillion followers in 3 hours / get a free laptop / make millions of dollars just by visiting your website. Link to a website advertising collectable bottle tops.
8. Make the world’s most unfunny video then continuously post it in DMs or tweets to as many people as possible several times a day, telling them it’s the greatest thing since Citizen Kane.
9. Set up your bio to proclaim yourself as an SEO expert who can show everyone how to make money quickly & easily online. Then just tweet about your dinner, your shoes & your tax return.
10. Use a picture of a sexy young girl in a bikini for your bio picture & background. Call yourself SexySue. Give *hugs* & xxxx’s to all your followers. Then let slip that you are actually a fat sweaty old bloke from Scunthorpe.
11. Get very drunk then dig out your favourite Tangerine Dream album from the 70’s & be so impressed with it that you tweet every single word as you’re sure that everyone else is dying to hear it too. For extra affect also tweet guitar breaks & drum solos as fast as you can type. “Wafting through madrigal fields dah dah of eldritch minds doof doof dah we weave & dream doo doo our minstrel selves dee dee pip pip ping”
12. Retweet everything you see in your general tweetstream without giving any credit.
13. Continuously badger celebrities to retweet your latest campaign to save the Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogle from being mildly shunned by the local smurf-herders.
14. Follow every online news service or tweet feed for major stories. Wait 3 hours then tweet the stories as if they’ve just happened. Then tweet continuously about them as if they’re the most exciting thing you’ve ever heard in your life.
15. TYPE ALL YOUR TWEETS IN UPPERCASE.
16. Include at least 10 exclamation marks in every tweet to give the impression you’re actually tweeting about something exciting. “I’m eating a whole bag of jellybeans!!!!!!!! Look at my shoes!!!!!”
17. Use very little of what could recognisably be called English in your tweets. “omg I lmao! got this awsm bg jlybns eat yum lol!!! ;-K ; ;P >3”
18. Write an extremely long epic poem about your deep love of Bavarian mountain shrubbery then tweet its verses regularly & continuously over a period of several weeks.
19. Provide a running commentary for your life. “Got up. Ugh. Found underpants. Put them on. Went to the toilet. Had to take underpants off. Then put them back on. Went to kitchen for coffee. Went back to bathroom as forgot to wash hands. Went back to kitchen. Put kettle on”, etc. Repeat daily
20. Write a blog post about 20 ways to annoy people on twitter then pester everyone on twitter about it until they’ve either read it or stopped following you.
Got any further suggestions? Feel free to comment.
Update: The Bloggess has made a post similar to this. It’s quite good. OK, it’s very funny. ALL RIGHT it’s bloody hilarious. Look, just go read it, OK, & stop bugging me! It’s HERE. Happy now?