Archive for April 22nd, 2009

April 22, 2009

10 More Ways to Annoy People on Twitter: A Celebrity Special!

1. The sport of celeb-baiting: constantly beg celebs to follow you or reply to you. “Ooh please good sir, please follow me, I’m so nice & friendly, me & my Aunty Doris love your shows / films / pap songs  / bottle top exhibitions!!”

“If you don’t follow me or reply to me all my kids – who all love you- will all get bloaty head disease & their toes will all fall off & it’ll all be your fault YOU MURDERER!!”

“Sorry, don’t know what came over me, we all love you, PLEASE??!!” Works best  if you use the words “bunny” &” boil” in the same tweet. Repeat at least 20x in quick succession per celeb per day until they give in.

2. Attract new followers by promising to moon on twitpic if a beleaguered celeb finally gives in to your begging & follows you. Reneg on your promise & deny all knowledge of it when they actually do.

3. Follow A-list celebs so they can reduce people to numbers in silly follower races in order to boost their already substantial egos.

4. Become an A-list celeb. Amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter guarantees that the rest of the known twitterverse spends most of their day looking at a strange whale.

5. Become an A-list celeb. Open a twitter account then ignore it. After your PR people have advised you that this nerdy twitter thing might actually be getting a bit popular afterall suddenly start tweeting incredible profundities like: “Hello”, “I’m on twitter now”, & “How are you?”. Instantly amass so many followers that you form your own personal gravity field & your logging on to twitter……

6. Become an A-list celeb. Never reply to muggles. Only tweet with your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor.

7. Become an A-list celeb. Boast about your zillions of followers. Only follow your current lover, your family, your ‘people’, your entourage & your bottle-top collection supervisor. Field questions about the generosity of recommending people to follow that is #followfriday without even a hint of irony.

8. Become an A-list celeb. Find websites you don’t like, link to them in tweets & then laugh maniacally as thousands of people hit them at once & they crash & burn then have to spend the next week getting back up again. Repeat.

9. Become a celeb. Ignore fervent pleas from well-meaning muggles to retweet their latest campaign on behalf of Uzbeckistanian yurt-vogles. Post twitpics of custard instead.

10. Write an annoying blog about annoying celebrities on twitter then annoy everyone on twitter with it.

Jason Tryfon has written a slightly more serious blog post along similar lines here.

As ever, feel free to add your own suggestions.